How to Have a Successful Marriage: Characteristics to show you the RIGHT way to get rid of your marriage problems and find the results and solutions you want, Part 9 – Choosing What’s Best
This is the most basic of anything I’ve shared with you…and it’s probably going to be the most difficult and challenging for you. Are you serious about wanting to decrease the problems in your marriage? Are you serious about wanting to resolve more of the conflict so there’s actual relief AND a mutually-beneficial solution? Are you certain you want a significant increase in the amount of passion, happiness & love you’re experiencing in your marriage? And are you sure you want me to tell you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear? … Remember, you voted.
OK then. If you want a romantic relationship (and non-romantic for that matter) which simply gets better and better with significant increases in fulfillment, happiness, fun, peace, love & passion then it’s real simple. Simply make a daily commitment to seeking your partner’s best interest…even at your own expense. Sacrifice (oohhh! Don’t you just hate that word?!) your wants, needs, desires, preferences in order to serve your spouse. What I mean is this: Make a conscious commitment to your spouse to do what’s in their best interest, regardless if they ever choose to reciprocate to you or not. OUCH!!!
Love is death on a cross…
Do you love your spouse? Or maybe I need to ask the question, do you want to love your spouse? Well, what’s love? Let me help you out, it’s not a feeling; love is a verb, it’s action. And real love, not just a feeling is sacrificial. Love says, “I will do what’s in your best interest when I don’t want to. I will seek your best; I will honor your needs above my own, regardless of how you respond to me.” Love does regardless of your partner’s response. … Still want to love your spouse? Love isn’t what Disney portrays. It isn’t riding off into the sunset. It isn’t laying on a beach sipping Margaritas. It isn’t some sappy song. It isn’t feeling warm and fuzzy or infatuated. It’s sacrifice. It’s putting to death your self so you can serve another. Most people don’t want to love their spouse…but they DO want their spouse to love them. This is why most couples have so much problems in their marriage. They want to show up and be served, and at best, the want to sacrifice what they’re willing to give up (which isn’t any sacrifice at all).
Remember when we talked about the necessity of resolving your childhood hurts, deprivations, trauma & wounding? And remember when we talked about our experience as infants? Well, I want to add something to that. When we’re infants how do we get fed? That’s right, someone feeds us. And when we’re eating, what are we wearing over our onesies? Yes, a bib. When we’re a infant we show up in life, in relationship with others, wearing a bib and being fed by someone else.
And that’s part of our first experiences in relationship, right? So as adults, we still carry that experience with us…and guess what? We still expect to show up, to put on a bib, and to be fed, to be taken care of!
Do you want a different (better) experience in your marriage?
If so, it’s real simple. Take off the bib. I’m serious, take your bib off and close your mouth. You’re an adult, so start feeding yourself (this goes back to getting your own needs fulfilled, remember). What I’m saying shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to you if you’ve read the previous messages. If you want a marriage filled with happiness, peace, love, compassion, comfort, encouragement, support, passion & happiness, it’s real simple: Take off your bib and drape it around your arm like a server, and seek to serve your partner.
The few couples who I know who live sacrificially don’t have problems in their marriage. Or perhaps I should say the problems they have they face together, take responsibility, and turn toward each other to find a solution together. The problems don’t create hurt, bitterness, unresolved conflict towards each other. They don’t complain about each other, they’re not unsatisfied in their marriage, they don’t feel alone. They’re not looking to get out and the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
When you choose to live sacrificially it’s amazing how much freedom you experience from hurt, bitterness, depression, anxiety, defensiveness, blaming, rejection, resentment, anger, & disappointment. How can it be any other way when you have nothing to defend and you spouse KNOWS because they are continuously experiencing you living your life seeking the absolute best for them.
Picture what your life would be like if you knew your spouse was constantly looking for how they can benefit & serve you…
How would you feel? What thoughts would you have about your spouse? Would you trust them? Would you feel completely accepted? Would you feel comforted, encouraged, supported, cared for? Would you feel special, honored, cherished, respected, & adored? Would you ever doubt their intentions? Would you ever doubt their faithfulness to you? Do you think there’d be less arguments, less conflicts, less anger, less hurt? What about less resentment, bitterness, or disappointment? You bet!! Do you not long for a love like this? So does your partner.
If you both were willing to make the daily choice to serve one another, to truly seek the best and benefit of the other, the need to fight for what you want and need would dissipate and disappear. Your anxiety about your relationship would come to a crashing end. What would you even have to argue about? Any fear about not being able to live out your dreams and hopes would be destroyed.
Can you picture this? Can you imagine your marriage looking like this, feeling like this? Do you want a marriage like this? Can I ask you a question?
Are you gonna get off your ass
and take any action to make this a reality then? Look, you already know this: If I can do this, then certainly YOU can do this. It’s no more difficult a decision than anything else. You just have to decide. Oh yes…I already know what you’re thinking, “Well, what about my spouse. They won’t do this. I’ll just serve and serve and serve & get nothing in return. Sure, this is great for them but they’ll never reciprocate. Do you expect me to ignore my own needs, wants, hopes & dreams when my spouse doesn’t come around? Who’s gonna take care of me? I’m OK with serving my spouse, but I still have to take care of myself.”
I’ll make you a promise. I’ve got a personal secret I want to share with you, and I will…next time 🙂 You show up, & I’ll tell it to you…and, what it DIRECTLY HAS TO DO WITH YOU. Deal?
P.S.: If this article was helpful to you, encouraged or supported you, or if you learned something new or were reminded of something you needed to be reminded of – let me know! I’d love to hear from you!! Email me. Also, if you think it would benefit someone you care about, please do them a favor and “pass it on
About The Author
If you’re tired of the ways you may be unconsciously sabotaging your romantic relationship – and you’re ready to experience an abundance of the love, passion, peace, and happiness available to you – than there’s no one better than Brian Jones to show you the way to romantic success. Brian has a BA in Human Development & a Master’s in Counseling, and has been helping couples for over ten years to get the real, proven, and lasting results they really want!
Couples have been coming to Brian to see how they can end the back-and-forth arguments in their relationship over such common problems like money, sex, & parenting. Brian has personally spent over $100,000 of his own money in – as well as reading several hundred books & attending numerous conferences, trainings, and workshops – learning, researching, and developing interventions, skills, and strategies for couples.
Brian began his training and education of the right way to get couples from where they are to where they want to be right out of High School at the age of 18, and has continued to learn, test, design, and refine his systems and strategies for couples. He is an author, has appeared on numerous radio shows and founder of the top site for solutions for marriage problems, http://www.RealMarriageSolutions.com
P.S.: Got questions for your unique marriage challenges, difficulties, or problems? Get YOUR questions answered by emailing brian@RealMarriageSolutions.com
P.P.S: Ready to take your marriage to the next level, or several levels & ACCELERATE your success? Go to http://www.RealMarriageSolutions.com to get the best resources for getting rid of conflict, increasing the peace and happiness in your marriage, and getting an abundance of love, fulfillment & passion!
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